Ok men, sorry I have been awol but it just so happens that I had a kid a few weeks ago. Not just any kid, but a beautiful little girl (she takes after her mother, THANK GOD).

A little about us so you can relate or not. I am a 35-year-old small business owner with a part time job as well. My wife is an educator and we are middle class. This might seem like random information but I know everyone reading this is coming from different backgrounds and we are all going to do this parenting according to our beliefs, finances, and locations among other things. So what I am trying to say is my wife and I both have jobs and we are not living paycheck to paycheck but we are also not rolling in the dough by any means.

This all being said, I am here to tell you what to expect the first 6 weeks of Fatherhood. There are many blogs and books and pamphlets and who knows what else for the ladies out there, but the guys are left high and dry and frankly since most of us would rather talk about sports or cars or beer than babies, we have a lack of resources written by a fellow pop. So ladies, if you think this is biased info or slanted towards men or insensitive to your needs you are probably right, but this is how men think and act and it’s not called momvices or checkoutmylactationschedule.com.

Let’s start with the hospital. The hospital is a massive mix of emotions from amazing – to what now – to holy shit – to leave me the hell alone nurse, I’m trying to fucking sleep! My wife had a scheduled c-section which was a trip. I can tell you from experience that this is no less scary than labor. There’s something about knowing when a surgery is going to happen and then trying to keep your head down at work all day knowing that at 6pm you will not be at home drinking whiskey and yelling at Jeopardy, you will be nervously holding a newborn baby wondering “Am I at all prepared for this?”

So we went to the hospital 2 hours before the surgery was about to start, and it was me, my wife, and my mother-in-law. Now, I don’t know about y’all but my mother-in-law is cool. I like her, she likes me, and we have been through some crazy situations in the past, so we are veterans at this. Before your lady has a C-section they have to hook her up to all kinds of monitors and stuff, basically to give your mind enough time to map out every worse case scenario and what your reaction will be. I decided that if my wife and baby died in the operating room that I would calmly walk out in the hallway and get in my car and drive as fast as possible into a tree with my seatbelt off. Hopefully I would die and not become a vegetable. Then I daydreamed of more of a standoff situation where I grabbed a scalpel and just kept cutting my arteries and as the docs tried to help me I waved the scalpel at them like I have seen on E.R. except they couldn’t take me down and save me. No, I’m not suicidal, but at that moment the thought of losing my two most important people in my life at the same time was too much to bear.

Anyways, so after hours of worst case scenarios with a happy/brave face to keep my M.I.L. and wife calm, it was time to suit up. For a C-section the man gets the full painters outfit. Blue booties to protect the Jordans, giant white suit that zips over your clothing, a mask that itches the fuck out of your nose, and a hair bonnet to round out the douchery. Then you take one of the longest walks of your life, wife on gurney, your iPhone secretly filming the process.

Now you are in an O.R. An operating room looks way less high tech than on t.v. In fact it looked way more like one of those Alien Autopsy rooms than any world where computers and cell phones exist. My favorite (not) part was the massive mirror that gave everyone within a 10′ radius a large view of my wife’s vagina. Thanks guys, but this is one time I don’t want to see that – and you better have a reason to look doc, because my wife is smoking hot and I know you are gonna fap to this later. Anyways, in the O.R. you watch your wife receive her epidural, and now it hits you that there’s a possibility of your wife dying but your baby living and it’s one long sad movie playing in your head. You see yourself not knowing how to braid your daughter’s hair right so she gets made fun of at school. You see yourself staying up all night watching old videos of your wife while you are crying and changing your new baby’s diaper who looks just like your wife. Then your wife asks you what you are thinking about and you blurt out something about the vagina magnifier mirror and you have a good laugh.

Now it’s time for the big event. Luckily our anesthesiologist was the fucking man because my wife and I were both very nervous. I was staring at my lady and she was staring back and luckily that guy just kept asking us endless questions. Where are you from? How do you like the city? Do you have a name picked out? I actually can’t remember any questions he asked us but I was so thankful he passed the time because a standard C-section takes about 40 minutes. The first 20 minutes are you and your wife behind a curtain waiting while they tug at her insides. Then, hopefully, you hear cries and it is a fucking sigh of relief! I know when I heard our baby I jumped up and was like “is she ok?” and they were like yep, she’s got a full head of hair and I was like THANK GOD! (not for the hair, just that she was ok)

So they whisked the baby off to a cleanup room and you know damn well I followed because I don’t trust anyone with our kid. I knew our kid was gonna be dope, and mad jealous sluts would want to steal her, so I eagle-eyed everyone. Our baby was crying up a storm and I was crying and my wife was crying and I felt awful for my wife because she didn’t even get to see the baby yet, let alone hold her and I felt bad that she had carried this thing for 9 months and I was gonna be the first to hold her but hey, she was in surgery still. So they cleaned off my daughter, weighed her, gave her some shots (that was brutal because it’s just this innocent baby already getting all this shit poked into her and then they put this goo in her eyes so she won’t go blind) and I’m just like give me that baby! So they did, and that was the first time in my life I have ever held a small baby and guess what expecting Dads with the crazy nerves about holding your baby – it actually comes naturally! I couldn’t believe it myself but you know how to protect a football and how to catch a beer and somewhere deep inside your DNA you also know how to hold a baby.

So I got to carry our baby into the O.R. and hold her as close to my wife as possible so she could try to see her and it was beautiful. For the next 20 minutes they sewed up my wife in the giant vagina mirror ( I didn’t watch any of it – don’t want to ruin cunnilingus for the rest of our lives) and we just held our baby who let out the cutest fucking cry you will ever hear. (That cute cry doesn’t last long so cherish it!) Then they rolled my wife out with our new baby and we got to share her with my M.I.L.

So that men, is what to expect with a C-Section. If I forgot anything I would appreciate your input. I hope to create a resource for us that tells it like it is, the good and the bad. And trust me, if this baby was planned, it’s good. And if your baby wasn’t planned, make it good. As someone who has travelled the world, built and sold multiple businesses, been rich and poor, been with many beautiful women, and lived a fast paced, popular life – nothing is as important or will be as rewarding as giving a new human being the same opportunities and then some. I wish all of you the best of luck.

Related Reading:

Share

About The Author

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.